Sunday, May 13, 2012

Struggles with Infertility, Miscarriage and Surprises from God

I have been blessed with five amazing and beautiful children. True miracles in every sense of the word. On this Mother Day, I feel drawn to share with you that I have struggled with infertility, miscarriage and the emotions of a surprise pregnancy. I know many of you are struggling with one or more of these issues on this Mother's Day. You see, I have endured four miscarriages. I, too, have been told by fertility doctor's that I was unable to have any more children. Most recently, I have even struggled with the mixed emotions that are felt when a surprise positive + sign is displayed on a pregnancy test. Here is the story of the lessons I learned from God while expecting baby number #5 last year:

Lessons from God
The digital reading on the test read, "Pregnant". I wanted to bang my head against the gray bathroom counter. "How did this happen?" I mean, I just finished up nursing. I haven't had more than one complete cycle and wham, a positive test. Not to mention, all the stress I have been under trying to balance my work load and home load this fall. "How am I ever going to be able to do all of this?" Pangs of self doubt and self pity begin to consume me.

Then, I'm overcome by terrible back pain. The dibilitating kind of back pain. I visit my chiropractor/natural health doctor. Ironically, I notice that the family that piles out of the exam room is a family of 7. My lower back pain is so bad I can't even get off of her exam table under my own power. Dr. Jodi determines the pain is being caused by my inability to accept this pregnancy. She tells me I have negative energy running through my body. Her advice, "Go home and pray."

“Be still, and know that I am God” (Psalm 46:10) is one of my most favorite bible passages. And, that is exactly what I did. Wasn't it just two short years ago that I was down on my hands knees asking God for another baby? Praying to God that if he didn't want me to have any more children to reveal what his true desires were for my life, instead.

When I allowed myself to be still (and I mean really still). God started tugging massively at my heart strings and speaking directly to my heart and mind. It is always such an awesome experience when we truly allow ourselves to listen to him!

I stopped being afraid and doubting myself, especially when this passage was sent my way by a total stranger: Isaiah 41:13 For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you "Do not fear for I will help you". Yes, God will help us and wants to help us if we would just allow his plan to unfold.

Also, in a total moment of self doubt in my role as a stay at home mom, my sister (totally unaware of my news) sent me this message, "When you go out on a limb, there is always going to be someone who strolls over to the tree, looks up, and mocks. “Anyone could climb that tree.” “You’ll never get down alive.” These people don’t take time to find out 1) about you 2) why you decided to climb the tree 3) how you managed to get up there 4) what you plan to do in the tree 5) when you intend to come down." So, true!

Finally, it was overwhelming how many people would ask my husband or I, "When is number 5 coming? Or, do you have 4 or 5 children?" and they were all nothing less than serious about the question.

I can truly say we became nothing less than excited for this new life! We became quite giddy and full of love, in fact. We could not wait to meet this little person. We had been so blessed by God. The kids were very excited as we would now be tied in numbers with our neighbors across the street. The boys did not care if it was a boy or girl and our oldest daughter was hoping for a baby brother this time around. In traditional form we waited until "birth" day to find out! Either way we were grateful God was so confident in our abilities to care for these incredible children of ours.

When I was a little girl I always told my Granny I wanted to have a big family. We were officially entering, "Big Family" status. On August 11, 2011 a beautiful 7lb 2 oz baby girl joined our family or our "traveling circus" which is the term of endearment my husband uses to describe our beautiful chaos. My heart was once again filled with love in places I never knew were empty.

I wholeheartedly believe God does have plans for each and everyone of us. We don't always get to choose our paths in life. God's the one with the ultimate control. Some people search their whole lives for their true purpose in life...may be my purpose is to be a MOM. Sure some people will look at this career path as something that is not grand or impressive, something simple minded. A role they'd rather not define them. But, I can't think of anything more difficult, yet more rewarding. It may be simple and ordinary in some eyes, but there may be nothing more noble.

I'm not unrealistic...I know this adventure in motherhood is very challenging at times. It certainly tests my patience more times than not. But, with a bit of humor and God walking this journey alongside us, we will be just fine. After all, God could have chosen any number of ways to make his entrance and presence on earth, but he chose to do so through a MOM!

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